Category Archives: Chapter 5

Conflict Resolution on Synagogue Kashrut Policy

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These articles appeared in the Temple Beth Am (Seattle) newsletter, during the time I chaired the Religious Practices Committee. I successfully mediated a community disagreement over the policy governing food to be served at Temple. Fortunately, there was so much personal goodwill in the community that there was never a threat to the congregation, but people held very strong, heartfelt, and opposite views on the question.

Some kept kosher and wanted to trust that Temple food would be kosher; others associated dietary laws with the joyless, rote Judaism of their childhoods, which they came to a Reform synagogue to escape. Every time meat would be served at Temple, we had what I called a “meat incident,” in which whoever chaired the Religious Practices Committee would be besieged at lunch by complaints from upset congregants from across the ideological spectrum.

These four columns tell the story of how I mediated the discussion by appealing to deeply shared Jewish values and democratic procedure. The June column in particular gives a philosophy of how a religious community can exist in which different practices are followed. I think this is a model for emerging religious communities based on diversity and shared values.

Conflict Resolution on Synagogue Kashrut Policy: “Minhag Matters,” July 2006 (fourth of four)

We’ve been busy the past few months.  We’ve become better organized, with subcommittees for Shamusim (ushers) and Ritual Objects & Books.  If you’re interested in having the honor of being a shamus, you can now get involved with the shamus program, chaired by _______.  Or, if you’re interested in caring for our Torah scrolls, prayerbooks, tallitot, mezuzot, and other sacred objects, and possibly learning a little about Jewish sacred art in the process, you can get involved with the Ritual Objects & Books subcommittee, chaired by _______.  Everyone is welcome at RPC meetings, which are always open to the community.  The subcommittees meet informally outside RPC meetings and are a way to get involved without committing to attend the regular meetings.

At our June 8 meeting, we voted to endorse the recommendation of _______’s third-grade students, who came to our meeting in May and argued eloquently for mezuzot to be placed on doorways at Temple.  We were thankful to the students for teaching us by their example of community involvement, and we are proud to endorse their leadership in recommending the addition of more mezuzot.  We also thank _______ for his support and encouragement.

We also voted to recommend a change in the Temple’s food policy.  I hope this will settle the current confusion over food by giving everyone clear expectations.  We voted to recommend that if meat is served at a Shabbat morning luncheon, it be placed on a separate table and labeled with the name of the dish.  This will prevent Jews who keep kosher from mistakenly eating a meat dish without realizing what it was, which has happened several times in the past few years.  It also leaves the menu options open for families and potluck contributors.  At Temple Beth Am, we value every person’s choices and understand that our observances are diverse.  I hope this will minimize confusion over food so we can concentrate on enjoying each other’s company.  The matter now goes to the Board for a decision.  And I’ll see you at a Shabbat morning luncheon soon!  (Please consider coming to the service prior to the luncheon as well.)

We’ve now concluded our food discussion, and are starting High Holiday planning for 5767.  To borrow a phrase from our Jewish advocacy organizations, RPC needs your help now, more than ever.  We’re not even asking for money, but for help planning specific parts of the High Holidays experience, and volunteers for the honor of being a shamus (usher) for the community.  Due to the construction, we’ll need more help than usual in managing traffic flow, so now is a great time to try ushering!  We’ll offer training to make sure you’re comfortable, and you might get an extra piece of honey cake on Rosh Hashanah.  If you enjoy it, there are opportunities for shamus service throughout the year.

I’d like to add an appeal for members of a new Safety Committee for the Temple, chaired by _______.  We’re trying to create a group to focus on safety and security, including egress and seating, accommodations for disabled congregants, building security, emergency procedures, and traffic flow.  Safety will be even more important this year, during construction.  In the past, these issues have largely fallen to RPC, but it seems wise to create a group specifically interested in helping develop better policies and procedures around safety.  Please consider joining ____ on the Safety Committee so this important work can begin.

Shabbat services continue throughout the summer, so please join us on Friday nights and at Shabbat morning minyan.  See you at Temple!

Conflict Resolution on Synagogue Kashrut Policy: “Minhag Matters,” June 2006 (third of four)

Q: What’s going on with Temple Beth Am and the Reform movement in general?  Is the pendulum swinging back toward tradition?

A: I think we embrace traditions, update and reframe them, and create entirely new practices, with about the same frequency.  We haven’t made a decision on the food policy, and RPC has been split on that matter in the past.  We’re also working with the Rabbis on issues like our Jewish calendar and the format of services.

Some people speak of a pendulum, but I don’t think that metaphor is accurate, as if we merely moved in circles.  What’s happening is a natural progression in the growth of Reform Judaism: from simpler distinctions to more nuanced ones, from struggle to governance; from clear, definite answers (albeit different from the traditional answers) to deep, probing questions.

For traditional Jews, most of the questions we struggle with are decided by a combination of literal Torah and rabbinic precedent.  Traditional Jews do not endorse individual or democratic community decisions on these matters; they do not ask which calendar we should keep, what our food practices should be, which ritual garments should be worn, whether our services should contain Hebrew, English, or music, or any of the other everyday issues in the ritual life of Temple Beth Am.  Our more traditional chaverim (friends and comrades) sometimes accuse us of “picking and choosing.”  To which we give that wonderful and quintessentially Reform Jewish response: Yes, we pick and choose.

Neither do we embrace all traditions simply because they’re traditional, nor do we reject them all for the same simple reason.  We pick and choose.  Reform Judaism is developing a real diversity of practice.  We are held together, today, less by shared practices and more by shared values, which further radicalizes Reform Jewish identity, for it means we are all Jews by choice.  Far from swinging back toward a tradition that proffers definite answers, Reform Judaism asks new questions.  We embrace diversity.  We pick and choose.

We often reject traditions: for example, the old misogyny and homophobia which we abhor, but which religion too often supports.  We reject such traditions completely, not merely because they are irrational, but because they are hurtful and wrong.  Our concern is not that such traditions are outdated: they were wrong in ancient times, and they are wrong now.  We have no qualms about rejecting them.  We pick and choose.

We also embrace certain traditions.  Many of us fast on Yom Kippur, not because it’s rational but because it’s spiritually useful.  We celebrate Hanukkah and Passover, not because they fit well with American society, but because we love them and their strong connections to Jewish roots.  We practice tikkun olam, to mend the world, not just because the Torah says to, but because with a God-given conscience we know we must.  We pick and choose.

In the middle lie the issues we discuss at RPC, neither clearly right nor clearly wrong.  On these issues, we embrace diversity of practice, which is the most radical Jewish approach possible.  Our proposed rules are attempts to provide a diverse community with a safe space to congregate around shared values; to do so, we must make careful agreements that all of us can live with in a shared community space.  We do this work carefully and with much concern for each other; we do it democratically; we do it ourselves, informed by learning but without appeals to absolute textual or hierarchical authority.  We pick and choose.

Our practices are not described by a pendulum swinging in any direction.  We’re becoming comfortable with the notion that not all of us follow the same practices in our community, which is an even more radical Reform Judaism than the more monolithic Classical Reform of decades past.  We celebrate our strong, shared values with an array of activities and worship styles.  We give each other space to pick and choose.

Conflict Resolution on Synagogue Kashrut Policy: “Minhag Matters,” May 2006 (second of four)

The Jewish year rolls into spring, as it’s done since the beginning of history.  This month, RPC considers some fascinating questions that affect how we apply our ancient heritage to religious life at Temple Beth Am.  Every interested member is welcome to join us at our May meeting, which will be on May 11 at 7:30 p.m.

We have a treat in store: the third-grade class, which has researched Jewish practice on mezuzot throughout the year, will send student representatives to discuss adding more mezuzot to Temple.  In response to the students’ inquiry, which was their own initiative, they’ve been invited to present their arguments on condition that they support their views with Jewish sources and are prepared to answer questions from the Committee, as would be asked of any presenter.  The Committee will then consider the matter, and may make a recommendation to Sandy and the Rabbis.

Also at the May meeting, we will again take up the food policy, as I explained in the April bulletin article.  There will be discussion time, during which motions to decide the matter (that is, to make a recommendation to the Board) will not be in order.  Such motions will be in order at the June meeting.  This discussion is highly sensitive, and it must be done with careful deliberation and with sensitivity to the needs of every community member.

I’d like to communicate clearly about what the goal of the food-policy discussion is, and what it isn’t.  Food is important to Judaism both in our ritual and as a symbol of our practice, so this matter takes on significant emotional weight.  Our community currently suffers from confusion on whether meat is to be expected at b’nai mitzvah luncheons, which leads to an understandable if unfortunate (and rather too familiar) debate whenever meat is served.  Our current policy does not prohibit meat, but neither does it clearly permit it.  We need to find an end to the cycle of this discussion.  By proposing that RPC recommend a policy—one way or the other—I’m proposing not to restart or revisit the discussion, which has been perennial, but to end it, in a way that hopefully everyone will find satisfactory.

Above all, our goal is not to make a bold statement on the future of Reform Jewish practice.  Our goal is to eat lunch together, in peace, as a single community of people whose kashrut practices differ.  We don’t just coexist at Temple Beth Am; we create a warm, welcoming Jewish community together, for all our members, families, and children.  The most important practice we can adopt, and the most important example we can set for our children, is not to either eat meat or not eat meat.  It is to join together as a diverse community around shared food, in a way that everyone can live with, to create a single Jewish extended family of worship and friendship.  When our children see us achieve that goal over lunch—far more than whether or not that lunch includes meat—they will learn what our beliefs as Reform Jews are all about.

Jewish history will go on, whichever policy RPC recommends on meat.  It’s an important question, but we must recognize that the future of Judaism doesn’t depend on the adoption at Temple of our own family’s practices, because our practices differ.  The future of Judaism does depend, however, on our creation of a community of friendship around Reform Judaism, in which our diverse community feels comfortable gathering together.  With or without meat, that community-strengthening work will help determine the future of Judaism.

Conflict Resolution on Synagogue Kashrut Policy: “Minhag Matters,” April 2006 (first of four)

I hope everyone had a joyous Purim.  Now we get ready to gather in each other’s homes for the Passover seder, the only Jewish ritual still practiced continually since Biblical times.  If you’d like to observe a seder but don’t have anywhere to go, call the Temple office and ask about the seder-match program.  If you’re running a seder this year, please consider letting Cecily know you’d love to have a guest from TBA.

Temple Beth Am will observe Passover officially for seven days, but we recognize that many members keep eight days personally.  From April 12 to April 19, there will be no chametz (leavened bread) in the Temple.  The Shabbat morning minyan on April 15 falls during Passover, so please don’t bring chametz to the potluck.

Our question this month also deals with food policy.  Several people have mentioned it, and RPC [ed.: the Religious Practices Committee] will once again consider it:

Q:  Recently, there have been B’nai Mitzvah luncheons at which meat dishes were served.  Don’t these luncheons have to be dairy?

A:  No, there is no policy mandating dairy luncheons.  The Temple’s food policy, adopted in 1976, appears in the B’nai Mitzvah handbook and states that pork and shellfish may not be served, but does not mention the separation of milk and meat.  However, because most of our luncheons are dairy, many in our community have come to expect dairy food.

This confusion arises every time a meat dish is served.  Most recently, in October, RPC considered the matter and did not pass a new policy.  We will consider the food policy once again at our May and June meetings.

One idea is to make the Shabbat luncheons dairy.  Proponents of a dairy policy say it would greatly simplify life, and point out the variety of vegetarian and dairy dishes that would each make a wonderful luncheon centerpiece.  They acknowledge, however, that many members would not prefer such a policy.

Another idea is labeling.  In the past, people have mistaken chicken salad for potato salad, and chopped liver for lentils.  Proponents of labeling see it as a less restrictive way to give people informed choices, while acknowledging that many members would prefer that community meals be dairy.

What’s clear is that people feel very strongly.  Some of us long for a kosher Temple where we can eat freely.  Others of us here seek a Judaism free from the joyless strictures we remember.  We are Reform Jews, but our practices differ.  We need to live, celebrate, pray, and eat together under one roof.  My challenging job as Chair is to run the upcoming discussion fairly, encouraging us to think not just of our own practices, but of what we can live with alongside our friends whose practices differ.

We make decisions democratically.  Our meetings are open to all members.  To vote, you must join the Committee.  I encourage everyone who feels strongly to attend our May 11 and June 8 meetings (7:30 pm at Temple).  On May 11 we’ll generate ideas and rank-order them.  On June 8 we’ll attempt to pass one policy from that list; members who also attended the May meeting will be permitted to vote.  If you wish to attend May 11, please let me know before April 20 so I can request a larger room if necessary.

Finally, our usual April meeting date falls on the second Passover seder night.  We will meet instead on Tuesday, April 4, at 7:30 pm.

Resources on Surveys and Focus Groups

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When it comes to focus groups and surveys, I thought the Wikipedia articles were excellent.  They should probably be your first read to get up to speed on these research methods.  As with most of the terminology in Growth through Governance, there are many good online resources freely available, but when it comes to surveys and focus groups, search results tend to be littered with a lot of ads from automated survey software products and consultants who want you to hire them to do focus groups.  Those may be fine choices, but if you want to get started, I suggest starting with Wikipedia on focus groups and surveys.  For a lot of additional detail, Wikipedia’s article on survey methodology is thorough and accessible, while including links to additional reading that delve into the mathematics of ensuring sound results.

One key issue to consider is the value of quantitative vs. qualitative data.  I address that question at some length in Chapter 10, and apply data science to communication and organizational strategy in Chapter 11 of Growth through Governance.  Focus groups offer qualitative data, while surveys offer mainly quantitative data that can sometimes be of a qualitative nature.  I do caution against the temptation to use greater quantitative precision than the situation justifies.  Surveys give us a lot of numbers, but we can’t afford to forget to consider the reliability of those numbers.  Suppose you ask people to rate something on a scale of 1 to 7.  In statistics, there is no such result as 4.  But there is such a result as 4±1, and these is such a result as 4±0.1 — and those two results are not the same at all.  If your sample size (number of people participating) is too small to justify the use of precise numbers, then you might really be better off collecting qualitative data.  Personally, I think we sometimes get too enamored of numbers and tend to forget the elastic, simple, honest value of qualitative data.  Just something to think about.  At the very least, I think every organization should be collecting data that consists of ABCs as well as 123s.

Do turn to chapters 10 and 11 for more on this topic.

Resources on Active Listening

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Of the many free online resources available on Active Listening, I enjoyed John Grohol’s helpful, readable article, which touches on the several aspects of this essential modern-day skill in a point-by-point format.  The U.S. State Department also has a fine, brief summary; I liked the State Department’s emphasis on the use of silence — which, in contrast to Grohol, does not always need to be a comfortable silence.  Sometimes a slightly uncomfortable silence is the best way to encourage a person to say more.  Finally, the University of Colorado Boulder returns with a useful article including many links for further reading.

I recommend a study of Active Listening to every professional who deals with people.  Active Listening is an essential skill set for therapists, teachers, diplomats and police, but even if your job doesn’t center around listening, Active Listening skills come up constantly in all of our professional and personal lives.

Integrative Negotiation: Positions and Interests

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The first resource on integrative negotiation, positions and interests should be William Ury, Roger Fisher and Bruce Patton’s classic Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In.  A close second would be Ury’s sequel Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations.  I strongly recommend these two books to the professional library of every negotiator.

Free online explanations of interests and positions are plentiful and can be found with a search.  Among the better articles I came across are these by Cinnie Noble, the University of Colorado Boulder, the U.S. Institute of Peace, and Watershed Associates; I liked the latter’s many helpful charts.  Note the ubiquity of the orange story (and the lack of citation of it — if only I knew who originated it!).

“Get Your Potatoes Out of My Pigs!”

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No book on nonprofit governance would be complete without a digression into the Pig War, the last incident of military hostility between the United States and the United Kingdom, over a territorial dispute.  I love this story because nobody was actually killed, and after the two nations’ militaries passed the 12 years of standoff playing sports with each other, they finally had their dispute arbitrated by Kaiser Wilhelm, who was chosen as a mutually acceptable neutral party.  If only all territorial disputes could end this amicably!

Don’t take my word for it; look at the Wikipedia article at the least.

The story is that the U.S. and U.K. both claimed the San Juan Islands, between the mainland of the Province of British Columbia and the State of Washington.  Farmers of both nationalities settled the island, and were policed by their respective police forces.  Things were all right until one fine day, about which I quote from Wikipedia:

On June 15, 1859, exactly thirteen years after the adoption of the Oregon Treaty, the ambiguity led to direct conflict. Lyman Cutlar, an American farmer who had moved onto the island claiming rights to live there under the Donation Land Claim Act, found a large black pig rooting in his garden.[2][6][8] He had found the pig eating his tubers. This was not the first occurrence. Cutlar was so upset that he took aim and shot the pig, killing it. It turned out that the pig was owned by an Irishman, Charles Griffin, who was employed by the Hudson’s Bay Company to run the sheep ranch.[2][6][8] He also owned several pigs that he allowed to roam freely. The two had lived in peace until this incident. Cutlar offered $10 to Griffin to compensate for the pig, but Griffin was unsatisfied with this offer and demanded $100. Following this reply, Cutlar believed he should not have to pay for the pig because the pig had been trespassing on his land. (A possibly apocryphal story claims Cutlar said to Griffin, “It was eating my potatoes.” Griffin replied, “It is up to you to keep your potatoes out of my pig.”[8]) When British authorities threatened to arrest Cutlar, American settlers called for military protection.

And from there history was made.  Henry Martyn Robert himself served in the U.S. military during the Pig War.  I can only imagine the scene.  Were there points of order?  Did Robert develop the intricacies of his Rules during tense, decorous meetings with his British counterparts over the rules of volleyball?  I’m sorry, I just love the Pig War.  Let me know if you’re reenacting it.  To my very good friends who are British, I say: Get your potatoes out of my pigs!  Fifty-four forty or fight!  🙂

Common Open-Membership Committees

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There is a wealth of resources available online for common open-membership committee definitions.  Here are just a few that I found and thought were helpful.  If you have a favorite online resource, please share it in the comments!  I’ll gladly add it to this post.  As with all external resources, use these as food for thought — generating options and ideas to make sure you haven’t overlooked anything important, but not copying them verbatim.

Finally, specific to synagogues, the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism offers a very good, very broad list of common synagogue committees, each with a link to a detailed description.

The Oven of Akhnai

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Read my exposition of the “Oven of Akhnai” story from the Talmud, to see a great example of when the legitimate answer was the Wrong Answer.

This story is often cited as a paean to the autonomy of human decision-making from God’s control.  God is proud of us, having outgrown divine control and gained the ability to make consequential decisions for ourselves.  The story certainly does endorse human autonomy in that way, but when the Oven of Akhnai story is cited to support human autonomy, we tend to miss that the story ended in disaster.  The legitimacy of the decision did not make it any more right or less wrong.  It was legitimate, and it was wrong.

The Oven of Akhnai is one of the great stories of the Talmud.  Don’t miss it!